Fighting The Doldrums Of Winter

One of my daughters in -43° Celsius. Her hair is very long dark brown, but all you can see of it is frozen white sprizzles poking out the sides to match the frost on her eyelashes.

(Reposted, as yesterday’s version somehow had the commenting section disabled.)

A blogging brother in Christ asked this question in a recent post (here): “How do you fight the doldrums of winter?”

He wrote of some action steps he takes to keep moving forward, albeit in a slower than ideal manner when winter’s cold affects even the spirit.

I shared an action step of my own, which was as follows:

Sometimes, no matter what I do, I still feel them.

But, in general, a positive difference began about ten years ago when one of my daughters and I were discussing how annoyed we were at ourselves for all the whining we did concerning winter, and how it didn’t help.

She and I decided not to complain about winter anymore.

At first, it was silly. With forced cheerfulness we said things like, “Wow, I love it when it gets down to minus thirty!” And “Snow up to my knees is awesome!” Or “Isn’t it neat when the snow plow doesn’t come down our road till we’re stuck for a week?”

We made each other laugh with our silly remarks, and we’d correct ourselves and each other when we slipped up and griped.

But over the years, the attitude increasingly became real.

Last week, that daughter sent me a photo of herself standing at a bus stop in northern BC, a few hours north of me, waiting to catch a ride to university. It was -43 Celsius and she was smiling with white frost on her eyelashes. She looked like a proverbial ice princess.

We talked later, with laughter, about how it’s become almost a competition among us northern folk to say what coldness we’ve endured. We might not outright prefer it over a nice warm day, but there’s a hint of bragging when we can say we lived through something not normally considered pleasant.

Plus the cold makes for some good storytelling later around a fire.

Then there was the situation at my place last week. In the high minus thirties Celsius, I was burning more wood than usual, trying to keep the house warm inside. Our chimney pipe from the middle floor and up through the steep roof over the third floor is really long, our wood is a bit wet (all the wood we got last rainy spring, summer, and fall was wet, and we haven’t yet cut enough to let it season a full year before needing to use it), and there must have been a blockage of creosote. Well, maybe that should be another blog entry, as this has already gotten long. You can read it here:“Fire And Water Emergencies”.

Parenting a Child Who Has ADHD

I can’t begin to explain the pain of raising a child who has ADHD.

This blog post will not offer any help for others who have children with ADHD.

It is only me saying “I know how hard it is”, and if you are in similar shoes, you’ll know it, too.

My heart breaks daily.

Out of my seven kids, five have always been gentle, empathetic, friendly, loving souls.

Not him. I hate to label, but how else do I get it across to you to explain why I am hurting so much over this? He is selfish, demanding, surly, obstinate, oppositional, and I don’t even know what other words to use to describe him.

Some might blame me for him being this way. I assure you, he has had these traits since day one, and they have grown with him. I have done so much to try to find help over the years. Books, doctors, diet, counseling, prayer…

He has medication, yes. It helps to some degree, but not fully.

He is 12 now, as of today. I have been dealing with him daily for twelve years. I am depleted.

My oldest child was similar, and some days I didn’t think I would survive. Her angry, self-centered traits were also on display since day one. She is so much better now, and has become one of my best friends. I thank God!

I don’t know if such maturity can ever happen for my son. He is so mean to all of his siblings, some more than others. I fear for him.

I was awful to my parents as a kid and I regret it now. I changed. I grew up and grew kinder. Oh how I pray my son will, too.

I don’t know who to ask for help anymore, so I put this little bit here and ask you to please pray.

Are You Still There?

I haven’t been blogging much lately and I notice that a lot of the people on my little list of bloggers I follow haven’t been as active, either. What’s going on with us? Are we all too busy for WordPress? Have we lost part of our minds in the busyness of summer? Will we get back to regularity eventually? Are we not eating enough fiber? (Sorry, bad joke.)

I’m posting this in hopes I will hear from WordPress friends and followers and maybe even from a new viewer or two.

Maybe you’re as busy as me. Longer, warmer days make more time for the things that can’t get done as easily in winter.

And the dark cloud that has been hovering over me comes and goes. I’m doing what I can to force it to stay out of the way of my sunshine – exercise, healthy food, essential oils purported to improve mood, sleep, even medication in desperation – but sometimes it is insistent. Do you fight with it, too?

Of course, only the village idiot is happy all the time. (I grabbed onto that saying from a fellow blogger. It reminds me that I am not as insane as I sometimes feel.)

I hope today has good moments for you, whoever and wherever you are. We all need at least a few of those, eh? But when things are dismal, it serves to intensify how much more we will appreciate when things are going well. And I always think of how all the more will heaven be joyous compared to earth.

joy

Broken

Maybe a good night’s sleep will help.

(Good night’s sleep happens, over and over, and still it hasn’t helped.)

* * * * *

Maybe things will get better with time.

(Time keeps ticking on and nothing’s looking any better.)

* * * * *

Maybe once I finish this task, or that other one, or that other other one, I’ll feel a load lifted off my shoulders.

(Those completed tasks depleted so much from me, I don’t have the wherewithal to rejoice.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I do something fun, I will reset myself and renew my outlook.

(Fun things don’t feel as fun as they used to. In order to do something fun, the fun has to be felt or it’s not technically a case of “having fun”.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I talk to some friends, I’ll feel better.

(Talking to a friend and talking with a friend aren’t the same thing. I don’t feel heard. I feel worse.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I get away alone for a few hours, I will return with a better outlook.

(I come back and I’m still here.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I keep talking to God about my pain, I will find peace.

(I am only reminded of how much I want to be out of this world and into His face-to-face presence.)

* * * * *

Maybe I need more water, more fresh greens, more sunshine. Maybe I need to run more.

Maybe I need less caffeine, less carbs, less rain.

Maybe I need less words.

Nothing’s working.

Maybe I need medication.

I’m sorry.

I don’t have the answers.

Sharp pain in right temple

All day, off and on, a sharp pain has stabbed my right temple. It lasts only a second at a time and happens sporadically, several times an hour.

I am so stressed and grieved, the instigating last straw being the loss of my writing in a WordPress draft last night, that I do not feel like myself. It is not like my usual state of depression when things overwhelm me. It is deeply physical this time, very much like grief over loss of a loved one.

I wanted to say this in case I die tonight and the reason is otherwise unknown. A friend or family member might see this and know I had a strange pain in my head, not like the usual pain attacks I get every few weeks.

I took an Aspirin pill within the past hour. I haven’t tried Aspirin in years.

If I die and am therefore unable to say further words directly, I leave this here: please, my family and friends, please, I beg you, read the Bible and seek to know the truth. Please accept Jesus and thereby embark on the same eternal destiny as me. I want to see you there. I love you and do not want you to perish.

Just a flower I saw yesterday

I need help getting my post back

I was on a roll and wrote a bunch of stuff with which I was very happy. I had my categories and my tag words all put in. I had a photo inserted at the top of the blog entry, and a Featured Image in place. I went to put one last photo in at the end of the story. I hit the button on my phone to go put in a caption, and when I was done, I went back to the page to see how it all looked. I was horrified to see that it had all disappeared, and all that showed up was the words I had typed for the caption. The photos were gone. All my writing was gone.

I couldn’t find a “back” or “undo” button on my phone, so I hurried to my laptop to try to fix it from there. I looked online for answers and found some pages telling me about the previous versions one can access to restore. I found that on my blog post, but the only previous versions went as far back as where I lost everything. I mean, the only previous version was from a few minutes prior, when that one-liner that was supposed to be a photo caption was all that showed up.

Is there any way to get my writing back? Did I write too fast and so there were no auto-saves or anything? I know some Google products do auto-saves, although WordPress isn’t a Google product, is it? Maybe my writing exists somewhere?

The blog I need help with is holysheepdip.wordpress.com.

(I posted this on the WordPress Support Forum, the original located here at this link.)

I didn’t see anywhere in the forum for me to include a screenshot, so I will include it here:

In that screenshot, do you see the line at the bottom of the list, where it has a plus sign inside a blue circle and then the number 15 beside it? Does that mean anything? I click on the plus sign and the number but nothing happens.

No, I Don’t “Got This”

No amount of motivational posters are going to convince me that “I’ve got this”, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, “nobody can take away my power unless I let them”, or any other platitude can remove reality from staring me in the face.

“If you need to talk, just reach out. I’m here for ya.”

Actually, no. You’re not. Nobody is. It is all nice in theory, but when it comes down to it, the only one here for me is me.

And that is depressing, because I am too broken to help myself.

There’s always that one thing that does kill ya. So far, none of the other attempts have strengthened me. Here I am still crying out to no person.

I do know God hears me, and my only hope is in joining Him in that better place. Meanwhile, I push on and wait, hiding within my tent of flesh and bone, choking on tears for breakfast.

I do not have strength. God is my strength. I cling to Him.

I feel no motivation. I can only eke out: “Thank you, God, for sending Jesus to unite me to You. Without You, I am only dust. I await seeing Your face.”

Psalm 42, Amplified Version:

As the deer pants [longingly] for the water brooks,
So my [a]soul pants [longingly] for You, O God.

My soul (my life, my inner self) thirsts for God, for the living God.
When will I come and see the face of God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I [vividly] remember as I pour out my soul;
How I used to go along before the great crowd of people and lead them in procession to the house of God [like a choirmaster before his singers, timing the steps to the music and the chant of the song],
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a great crowd keeping a festival.


Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become restlessand disturbed within me?
Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me [the burden more than I can bear];
Therefore I will [fervently] remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of [Mount] Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the [thundering] sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

Yet the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song will be with me,
A prayer to the God of my life.


I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 
As a crushing of my bones [with a sword], my adversaries taunt me,
While they say continually to me, “Where is your God?”
11 
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
Why have you become restless anddisquieted within me?
Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him,
The [b]help of my countenance and my God.

Footnotes:

  1. Psalm 42:1 The Hebrew word translated “soul” in this psalm and elsewhere in the book of Psalms is nephesh. This word usually refers to a person’s “life” or “self,” but can also mean “throat,” as perhaps in vv 1, 2.

  2. Psalm 42:11 Or saving acts of.

CBD Isolate Powder?

I am learning about CBD isolate. It might be an option for me. I’ve been using doctor prescribed CBD oil daily, to lessen the pain and stiffness associated with fibromyalgia. I also take THCa oil for times when the pain is intense enough to hinder my ability to sleep.

The following link is for an article on CBD isolate written by Jennifer Kurtz in September 2018. I will bring her points up with my medical cannabis doctor’s appointment here in BC and find out if it is a good fit for me.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has used it or has knowledge to share about it.

https://www.redstormscientific.com/cbd-isolate-powder-effects-dosage-usage/

Giving Up

Maybe it is time for me to give up on writing a book.

I can relate to my great-great-grandmother-in-law, in how she must have felt before she kicked the stool out of the way and hung herself.

She had been asked to do the arrangements for a wedding – a big task, yes, but by itself not death-worthy. It was, however, the final rock to send her over the edge of a stress mountain.

I often think of that scenario when I find myself in positions of having too much to do and too little time to do it efficiently and effectively. There are demands being made of me by others who COULD be helping, compounded by the frustration I feel from the expectations of others who don’t really know me but who think I SHOULD be doing more.

The thing about people expecting me to do more is particularly irksome, but I can control it, to some degree, by avoiding contact with them.

What I am talking about is the writing of my supposed book.

I say “supposed”, because although it has been looming over my head for the past few years, it still has not materialized. I have pages of notes and a few chapter drafts, but no complete manuscript.

I am at a point where I am wondering if I should just give it up.

“You have such a talent for writing and an important story to tell,” they say.

That sounds like a compliment on the surface, but the way it lands on my ears is more like a sledge-hammer to the side of my head.

Really? More? I am supposed to do MORE?

I have seven children. That is not common or easy. Few people can I consult for advice and even fewer are willing to help.

I never set out to have a large family, but that is what happened. Whether people can accept it or not, my kids are my number one priority.

Even sitting here on my couch writing this blog entry on my laptop is a luxury, but the kids are all occupied at the moment, none of them asking me questions, none of them asking me for help, none of them trying to tell me something, and so I am taking this quiet time to write out the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for the past few days.

(No sooner did I finish that paragraph than one of my kids ran up to me to remind me that they left their iPad charger at someone’s house a 25 minute drive away. So I sent a text to find out if the road is decent enough to drive there to pick it up. Yeah, this time of year, where I live, snow and ice can make roads dangerous.)

And I can see someone saying I should have taken this time to work on my book instead of venting on WordPress.

No, this here is quick and mindless.

Like sudden vomiting.

Working on my book, however, requires deep thought, more akin to preparing a gourmet meal on a wood cook stove. Ingredients must be bought and measured. Careful attention must be given to the fire. And nobody can interrupt me, lest I miscalculate a measure, miss an important ingredient, or burn the results.

I deactivated my Facebook account. That thing depresses me. A huge pile of potential communicators who are supposedly friends, but most of them just want a quick fix. I can understand that, to a degree, because I myself am usually too busy to get into much depth, but still it discourages me to post a question or a thought and have very little feedback. Like, why bother? Might as well write on WordPress, where it is more to be expected that there will be little to no intercommunication.

And that leads me back to the topic of writing my supposed book. How satisfying will it be to complete a book, and not know what others are thinking or feeling when they read it?

But how can I write that book if my focus is on my children’s needs?

And with my own ability to concentrate being poor at best (two of my kids have ADHD, and two are diagnosed as being in the Autism Spectrum – surely they got some of that from me, though I have no such official diagnoses – and, yes, I did undergo testing), I can only work on a book when everyone is asleep or out.

I even built a shed in hopes I could write in it, but my kids interrupt me in there, too. The thing is, though: they need me more than the book needs to be written.

Oh yeah, and I failed to mention that my youngest three children are almost always home. We homeschool. It’s more in the direction of unschooling, but still, my point is that they aren’t away for several hours a day. They are almost constantly at home. And don’t try to convince me otherwise. I have long been against public schooling and so this is my choice.

And I haven’t even touched on the chronic pain with which I live. There is no cure. All I can do is suffer through it. Some days are better than others, and on those days, I get a lot more physical tasks done.

I don’t really want to hang myself, because I think of how it would affect my children. But the pressure sure becomes a lot sometimes, and where can I go to escape it?

Schooling

I learned a few things in school, but not from the paid teachers.

One of the worst things I learned was from my fellow inmates. It was that only the utterly beautiful people are appreciated.

If you are not physically beautiful and/or athletic, you are outcast.

This lesson continues to be reinforced by social media.

The beautiful and the athletic receive encouragement, and if they are celebrities, all the more are they adored.

The truth-sayers, the story-tellers, the ones who long to show an ugly world what true beauty is, are scorned.

It is hard to unlearn lessons that were learned the hard way.

We live in a dark day.