Suppressing Emotions vs Suppressing Actions

I don’t know the science behind why, but I do know that I am not willing to suppress my emotions.

If I feel happiness, I let it flow in whatever way it wants to go and hope it infects others.

If I’m sad, I feel the full extent of it but I try to avoid others lest it affect them negatively.

If I’m angry, well, that’s a place where I have to be careful. It’s not that I suppress the feeling, but I have to make a choice as to how I express it, if at all.

The danger lies in hurting someone else when I myself am hurt.

That venomous weapon that draws blood from my heart can too easily be pulled out and thrown with my fingertips or my tongue at someone else. Then we’re both poisoned and bleeding.

Oh yes, I’ve been guilty, and, oh yes, I’ve had to attempt emotional surgical repair. It doesn’t always fix. I prefer to avoid breaking people in the first place.

Given time, thought, prayer, and the application of wisdom from God’s people, the potency of anger diminishes. The desire to lash out fades. Damage has been averted. The consideration for the wellbeing of others – or, love – has won.

I think of the scene in the movie Ratatouille, where Linguini says something to his co-workers that disturbs them. Collette is angered by it. With pain in her face, she raises her hand as though to slap Linguini. But then she makes the decision to bring her hand down and she walks away. Because she loves him.

“If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day. ” (Ephesians 4:26, Good News Translation)

There’s surely more to be said on this. Maybe you have some thoughts to share.

Here’s something someone else wrote: What does the Bible say about anger?

Here’s something I wrote on feeling too much: They Who Feel Too Much

Soon enough, the messed-up emotions and their accompanying temptations toward harmful actions will be a thing of the past, and my cry of “Maranatha” will be exchanged for an eternal “Hallelujah!” I hope you are there with me.

Yes, I’ll Stay Away

I’m following the rules, but I’m not convinced everything is as it seems to be presented to us. How do we know which numbers are truthful? How do we know those are really “bodies” under wraps on the forklifts outside the hospital in Brooklyn? Why are they being loaded in public and not at the usual loading docks away from public walkways? What does hospital management have to say about all this? Where are the answers?

You bet I’m skeptical.

I’m not doubting there’s a contagious illness out there and that people are dying from it. What I am doubting is the media’s portrayal of it. Remember that little phrase “fake news”? How do we know who to believe?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still keep my distance from people, to play by the rules. Hey, some angry citizen might cough on me otherwise, or try to steal my toilet paper.

Have you seen the rage on social media? People are freaking out.

Just chill, Widsten!

And for those who are reading and wondering what I meant by that last line, it’s from the end of my favorite Volkswagen ad. Watch this, mon:

PTSD and C-PTSD

This photo has nothing to do with my blog post, though a metaphor could possibly be drawn from it.

Here are a few thoughts on the topic of PTSD as it pertains to me, and some links I found that help explain it. It helps me understand myself, offers an explanation to those who care, and might help someone else who experiences similar stuff.

I have had much counseling and EMDR therapy for PTSD. Sometimes, I feel like all is well, but then something happens and I sink back into symptoms. Usually, I am not aware of it being part of PTSD until later. In the moment, all I feel is the symptoms but have no cognizance of their rationale.

Then later it dawns on me what’s going on. “Ah, yes, I am isolating, aren’t I?” Or “Oh, right, I realize I am feeling hopeless about my future.”

I hate the overuse of the word “trigger”, but it’s the only word I know to describe what sets me into this state. A trigger, such as perceived mistreatment from someone I trusted, happens. I try to not care and let it go, but awareness of how much that trigger really is bothering me sets in. Sadness often results, and rather than let it show that I am troubled, I isolate.

My isolation manifests by deactivating and avoiding social media, going off alone in my vehicle or on foot, and/or spending time alone in my room.

When I am too busy to escape physically, I feel irritable. Noise that is anything but music makes me mentally cringe and it takes much energy to force myself not to say anything in a mean way to others. As gently and respectfully as I can, when I am around family, I simplify it by saying “my nerves are shot” and I ask them to please tone down the noise level.

Here is someone’s page I read recently that explains a bit about PTSD:

Understanding The Role of PTSD Symptoms in The Cycle of Isolation

I’ve been this way for so long, I can’t remember what it’s like to be any other way.

I suspect we all have things that mess with our emotional wellbeing. Maybe some hide it better than others. I’d like to know how they do it, and whether or not hiding it is helpful.

As for me, I know life in this body will not be perfect, and my hope lies in Jesus Christ as I anticipate a new body in a better place with Him and with all whose faith is in Him.

Another link: C-PTSD in Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse

Am Writing – Am Therefore Busy

An unrelated photo from today with morning sunlight in the girls’ room

I first saw “#amwriting” on Twitter.

That was not a good sentence. It doesn’t say what I’m trying to say. And I’m still not sure how to go about it properly. Here are some possibilities:

1. I first saw the word “amwriting” hash-tagged on Twitter.

2. I first saw “amwriting” with a hashtag before it on Twitter.

3. The first time I saw the word “amwriting” was as a hashtag on Twitter.

None of those sound right. First of all, “amwriting” isn’t really a word. And is “hash-tagging” now a verb? And in the third example, it sounds like I was a hashtag on Twitter when I saw the word “amwriting”.

Regardless of the grammatically correct way to say what I am thinking, my point is that I have been writing today and therefore I have been busy. Of course, I’ve done things other than writing, which include editing, cleaning cat litter boxes, sweeping floors, vacuuming, taking apart the cooktop on the woodstove and cleaning out the ash and creosote because the outdoor temperature has shot up to a whopping 2 degrees Celsius (compared to last week’s minus high-teens) and such things are best done when it’s not deathly cold, etc.

But when we take a moment out of our writing process, or anything else, to write about how busy we are, are we still that busy? I don’t think so. I think it would be more accurate to say “amtakingabreak” or “amprocrastinatingforamoment”.

Because I have a lot to do — and maybe you do, too, so my curtailing of this rambling would be to your benefit as well — I will not spend any further time speculating on how to convey my thoughts on “amwriting”, whether it be a word, a portmanteau, an idiom, or something else. Maybe someone in the know will leave a comment that answers this sidetrack of a question.

Have yourself a beautiful day. I know I am. 🙂

A view outside right now

 

 

Day 1 of Just Write Challenge

It popped into my head while this morning’s coffee was sinking in: “I should just write, even a little bit, in my blog each day.”

I miss blogging. I miss reading the blogs of the handful of fellow writers I follow. I miss WordPress.

This challenge to myself does not have a time limit, but thirty days is a nice goal because WordPress gives that bit of encouragement through its congratulatory comments every time you reach a milestone number of posts, such as three in a row, or a week, or a month. I will see how long I can make a daily blog entry, even if to say something simple like “It’s sunny today.”

It IS sunny right now, with clouds, and a comfortable zero degrees Celsius outside, here in the Cariboo region of BC, Canada (that’s 32 Fahrenheit for any American readers). Inside is cozy. I woke up to find the heat-activated fan on the woodstove still spinning slowly, thanks to a nice bed of coals. It’s a cookstove, so the firebox isn’t as big as a dedicated heat stove. The most we can expect from it to burn when it’s fully stoked at bedtime is around six hours, depending on the wood.

But back to the thought of my writing challenge. I write every day, one way or another, but not always in a blog post. Don’t you? Can you imagine life without writing? Aside from manuscript works in progress, there is so much more: Grocery notes, items on your to-do list, text messages, social media comments, email, addresses on an envelope, filling in a cheque (there are still people who only accept cash or cheque in my small community), etc.

How awful it would be to lose the ability to write! If I lost my vision and my hands… But, no, I don’t want to think about that.

Suddenly a song by Cat Stevens comes to mind. Have you guessed it before you scroll down to see which one I mean?

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Yes, that’s right: Moonshadow.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, or if I will even take another breath after this one, so I will see how it goes with this writing challenge.

“Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” (James 4:14)

Maranatha!

A Positive Spin

mt timothy road

A photo that has nothing to do with the blog entry: a road near home, as seen from the passenger seat of our truck

Looking back at my recent blog entries, I realize there have been mostly negative ones. Me complaining. Me whining. Me seemingly teetering on the precipice between life and death, or at least that’s how it feels to me when I’m there. Me, me, me…

The thing is, the times I feel most like blogging are when I’m struggling, feeling alone, and needing a place to vent. During buoyant times, I’m too busy enjoying the moments to do more than imagine how I’d write about them.  Thinking about this, I do consider that maybe I should include a few more happy posts. Maybe that will happen.

Although it must look like all I do is complain, more often than not I don’t blog about my struggles. I keep them to myself, or I talk to the One who already knows about them while the song “Where Could I Go But To The Lord” wafts through my mind.

I appreciate the writing of others in their angst, showing a heartbeat to the person behind the text. Maybe there are people who appreciate mine. Like validation. The “I hear ya, bruh” type thing that we sometimes need.

So, there’s a bit of a positive spin on my negativity.

I’ll leave you with my favorite version of the song I mentioned above – Where Could I Go But To The Lord as recorded by Emmylou Harris. This is how it runs through my head, ever since I bought the cassette tape in Petersburg, Alaska’s hardware section of Hammer & Wikan in the early 1990s.

“Back to School” Sadness

As a life learner who believes “school” is not necessary for learning, and is often even detrimental to it, the “back to school” pictures on social media break my heart.

So many people buy the lie that school is the best place for kids to get “an education”. My opinion is that it is a tax-payer funded dangerous babsitting service. Furthermore, far too many parents who are not at work and COULD keep their kids at home send them there anyway, with the excuse that they “aren’t qualified to teach” their own children.

I think I’ll leave it at that. My reason list runs too long and deep to try to encapsulate it in a blog post at the end of a busy Saturday.

Friendship Like This

im-just-going-to-come-right-out-and-say-it-23327841.png

O, to have a friend with whom sweet fellowship is shared,

Whose love is real and unretractable

Who sees my flaws and doesn’t try to fix them

Who can tell me he hates me but we know it’s a lie

Who laughs with – not at – me

Who lets me spoil him and doesn’t expect or demand

Unselfish love.

So rare a love.

The kind that lasts forever.

Hang on to those friends with love.

“And now abideth faith, hope, charity (love) these three; but the greatest of these is charity.”(1 Corinthians 13:13)