God Of Wonders

Video

The first time I heard this song was on a warm summer’s evening here in our little cowboy town in BC, in a huge tent, played on acoustic guitar by a guy named Cam who was visiting from another city.  Others too, cracked out their guitars and jammed.  Anyone who knew the words sang along beautifully and with heart.

That was the church fellowship that I used to feel was like family.

Most of those people eventually turned their backs on me when I left the abusive ex, because of their misconceptions and misguided ideas, but God never will.  He knows the whole story.

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Flashbacks from this time a few years ago

Today, I keep having flashbacks of January/February 2004, when I was living in the women’s shelter.

I have had several flashbacks of going through the search for a place to rent.

It was January 25, 2004, when I made the final step in my escape from the abusive ex.

There’s more, but that’s all I want to say about that for now.

Here’s the long story, needing chapter divisions and grammatical revisions:  http://holy-sheepdip.blogspot.ca/2011/08/why-i-escaped-and-from-what-did-i.html

Grace Greater Than All Our Sin

Video

I love how hymns pop into my mind at random.

Before I had to work so much, when I cooked every day, I would sometimes have a hymnal open on the kitchen counter, learning the words, feeling peace (as long as the abusive ex wasn’t home).

Other times, I’d go to my digital piano, play a part and sing the harmony to it.

As a side effect, my kids memorized the words to those hymns by hearing me.

In retrospect, I learned some hymns from hearing my own mother sing, even though they didn’t take on meaning until I became a Christian at age 20.

I don’t know these people who are singing this hymn, but they bring back sweet memories of crackin’ out the guitars and harmonizing with my sisters and brothers in Christ.

Grace That Is Greater Than All Our Sin

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Refrain

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Refrain

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Refrain

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

Refrain

Unspoken Words of Passive Aggression

Because you loved me so much that you gladly did everything for me, I took full advantage of that.

Yes, I realize it became burdensome after awhile, when you carried more children in your womb and still had to work full time, but my expectations were set in place, and  woe unto you if you don’t continue at that impossible pace, because I am the king of your life, now that I own you as your husband.

Yes, I do believe that.

I believe you are trapped and won’t even try to leave me.

You’ve been through divorce before and you don’t want to go through starting over again on your own.

What do you mean you don’t feel it is fair for me to lie around all day while you work?

Hey, I work too, and my job is more important than yours.  I work manual labor, and if I don’t get enough rest, I could have an accident on the job.

Come on, don’t be silly – YOU don’t need sleep as much as I do.  Your job is right here at home.

So you’re stressed to the max.

So you’ve ended up with adrenal burnout and further stress could easily push you into more life-threatening illness.

So you make mistakes in the medical reports you type.

So they will terminate your contract if you have too many errors.

So we won’t be able to pay our bills.

All that matters is that I get to spend 10+ hours in bed, and that any hours I’m not at work I am to be on the couch with my mistress — the TV — flicking the remote at her when she doesn’t do what I want.

If you can’t survive on six to seven hours in bed, that’s not my problem.

It’s not my responsibility to help with the household chores when you are working on your paying job.  You can stay up a few more hours to complete them.  It’s not killed you yet.

I help once in awhile.  So what if it’s not consistent?  I expect you to do everything, remember?

Oh, I’ll never speak of this to you.  I know you are sensitive enough and smart enough to interpret it without me having to say a word.

And if you even try to “work things out”, I will pull a pout, make immature and unreasonable comments, and storm off, leaving you feeling worse than you felt before you dared to upset my perfect world.

What?  Someone else might win your affection?  As long as you stay here and take care of me, that doesn’t bother me.

What?  You might not always stay here?

Well, when that happens, I will believe it, my heart will be broken, I will mourn the loss of the most excellent woman to have ever entered my life, and I will feel that life is as futile as you must feel it is right now.

It was not an enemy that reproached me

My own words are nothing.  I will let God’s Word say it.

Psalm 55 – King James Version (KJV)

1 Give ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication.

Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise;

Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me.

My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling are come upon me, and horror hath overwhelmed me.

And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.

Lo, then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah.

I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

Destroy, O Lord, and divide their tongues: for I have seen violence and strife in the city.

10 Day and night they go about it upon the walls thereof: mischief also and sorrow are in the midst of it.

11 Wickedness is in the midst thereof: deceit and guile depart not from her streets.

12 For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:

13 But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance.

14 We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.

15 Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into hell: for wickedness is in their dwellings, and among them.

16 As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.

17 Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.

18 He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me.

19 God shall hear, and afflict them, even he that abideth of old. Selah. Because they have no changes, therefore they fear not God.

20 He hath put forth his hands against such as be at peace with him: he hath broken his covenant.

21 The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.

22 Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.

23 But thou, O God, shalt bring them down into the pit of destruction: bloody and deceitful men shall not live out half their days; but I will trust in thee.