Heart Aching

Sometimes my heart aches so deeply over the state of the world, from observing things as big as massive conflicts of nations on down to relatively little things like witnessing and receiving the painful words and actions of an individual.

Then it all comes down on me.

Wanting to hide, yet needing to not be hidden.

The conflict within and without.

Pain.

And there’s no solution I can force, to the world, to the person, or to me.

So I write these few words. Maybe someone can relate and cry with me. Maybe someone has the right glue to fix the damage.

Probably not, but still I try.

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Sharp pain in right temple

All day, off and on, a sharp pain has stabbed my right temple. It lasts only a second at a time and happens sporadically, several times an hour.

I am so stressed and grieved, the instigating last straw being the loss of my writing in a WordPress draft last night, that I do not feel like myself. It is not like my usual state of depression when things overwhelm me. It is deeply physical this time, very much like grief over loss of a loved one.

I wanted to say this in case I die tonight and the reason is otherwise unknown. A friend or family member might see this and know I had a strange pain in my head, not like the usual pain attacks I get every few weeks.

I took an Aspirin pill within the past hour. I haven’t tried Aspirin in years.

If I die and am therefore unable to say further words directly, I leave this here: please, my family and friends, please, I beg you, read the Bible and seek to know the truth. Please accept Jesus and thereby embark on the same eternal destiny as me. I want to see you there. I love you and do not want you to perish.

Just a flower I saw yesterday

Into Freedom

Some songs hurt too much to hear because someone I love has left their earthly body and gone to be with Jesus, and the song was special to them and to me. Memories fill in the spaces between the lyrics and blend with the sounds of the instruments, reaching out with silken tentacled arms that wrap around my throat and squeeze.

“Into The Mystic” by Van Morrison is at the top of the pain list for reasons of indescribable agony. I love it, but it is playing at a cafĂ© where I am sitting and it is all I can do not to run outside and cry… yet, I am cemented to my chair with every note cutting into my soul.

I wonder if I am the only one so afflicted by songs heavily drenched with the spirit of someone beloved and missed.

This version by the Zac Brown Band especially tears my heart out. But I am going to be brave and listen, and know in the depths of my heart that I will again see my loved ones who died in Christ, better than before, singing, dancing, pain-free, sin-free, joyously free for eternity!

Meaning Of Life?

Sunset on Thompson River, Kamloops, BC

The beauty of this world, such as this sunset on Thompson River in Kamloops, BC, will pale in comparison to what we will see with the Lord Jesus

The meaning of life seems to be a tough thing to try to define, but the way I see it is that we were put on this earth as part of God’s plan to weed out who really will belong with Him because they make the choice to be with Him: the ones with the child-like faith in Him. Perhaps even the ones who died before they had a chance to make a choice if they were too young to know about Him or never heard of Him.

I think God put mankind into motion, starting with Adam and Eve, to create His family – a family who WANTS to be with Him, not just a bunch of robots He could have created. I can tell you that when my children do something for me because they want to, it fills my heart with joy and appreciation. I feel the love! But when they are merely obeying something I told them to do, although I appreciate it, it just feels like “OK, good, you’re cooperating with the plan”. It doesn’t feel like friendship. It feels like they are doing it because they have to. I think God just might have that same kind of feeling. After all, we humans were created in His image, and that’s not just a visage in a mirror.

Being in this world full of temptations and pain, it can be easy to just give up and not get to know the One who loves us and longs for our love in return. It is them who will not be in the fold. We don’t need a bunch of hateful humans spoiling the unity when we are in that perfect place He has created for us, which is NOT this world. Look what happened to Lucifer when he rebelled. He was thrown to earth. Eww, earth!

This world is not our home. I really believe that. As the Bible says, this is our temporary tent from which we are groaning to be free.

Too many times, I see and hear people talking glibly about how God can make things better for them here on this earth. I don’t know what Scriptural basis there is for that. Look at all the awful things that were recorded in the Bible that happened to the people who are now with Jesus, to whom at the time they looked forward as their coming Messiah. Look at how King David lost his son. Look at Elijah being so depressed that he ran off to the wilderness and stayed there being fed by crows. Look at Jeremiah who wished he were never born. Look at Jonah running from God. All these humans were being used by God, looking toward the coming of Jesus as Messiah (see here), as part of the plan. Now Jesus has come, and we by faith in Him look forward to eternity with Him.

The stuff we see in this world is often bad. Very bad. We even sometimes are guilty of the bad stuff ourselves, all being sinners with the tendency to do what we want, even if it’s not good for us. Darn free will, eh? But the beauty in that free will is that we can also choose Jesus. And in choosing Him, we have assurance of salvation. I’m definitely going to be with Him in the end of my earthly timeline, off to begin life the way He intended it in the garden of Eden – perfect.

We will only be disappointed if we expect to find God’s perfect kingdom on earth, even though there are preachers out there who are saying His kingdom is already here. Nope. Look around. This is not God’s kingdom. This is still a place under Satan’s influence. No matter how hard we try here, we are not going to make this dying world into the perfect place God has prepared for us with mansions, where gold is something so common that it paves the streets like asphalt, a crystal clear river of life, the tree of life with its twelve different fruits, no need for lamp or light because the Lord God is the light there, and things I cannot even imagine, but the best part is that there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. I could dance just thinking of that part!

I often remind myself that without the hard times on earth, I might not have such a longing for heaven. If life were perfect here, who’d realize their need for a Savior?

Why I Escaped (And From What Did I Escape?)

Bruised Steen (2)

Here is a picture of me a week or two after I’d been thrown face-first into a wall in the late 1980s. I went to the doctor about the face wounds at the time, but I never thought to get my neck checked out. Several years later, I started getting headaches and neck pain that would last for five days, every few weeks.

In 2012, a chiropractor did a full spine X-ray on me. His assumption is that it was that unhealed whiplash type of injury, way back then, that is the cause of my spine having grown in a twisted manner, somehow flaring up into these frustratingly painful “attacks” that don’t respond to even strong medication like morphine.

That’s the drama part. It’s ugly. I deal with the outcome. But, I keep in mind that a lot of people have their own predicaments that are worse than mine.

The good news is that I am free from that destructive relationship.

The better news is that I am free from an even worse destiny of missing out on the most loving relationship I could ever imagine – one with the Creator of all life, thanks to His Son, Jesus, giving His life to pay for my ticket to Him. Call it crazy if you will, but it’s a long, long story, longer than mine, and it’s all there in the Bible for you to read yourself. If you’ve read it and still don’t believe it, I urge you to consider that if the Bible is right in that the only way to eternal life is through faith in Christ, and you reject that, you risk ending up in a situation you will deeply regret. If with even the tiniest bit of faith you can accept it, it is better than risking eternity in hell – IF hell really is as real as the Bible says it is. If it isn’t, we who believe lose nothing and we turn to dust. It costs you nothing to believe. I figure it’s not worth the risk to reject such a simple deal.

As for my own long story, it’ll take me awhile to get it copied to this WordPress blog properly, with all the photos and links, so for now I will just provide a link to where it is currently located, on my old Google blog. I never did properly edit it, as I wanted to get it out there in a hurry at the time, several years ago now. I apologize for that, and for any photos that don’t show up where they should.

Why I Escaped (And From What Did I Escape?)

If you are in an abusive situation, please know that at least one person understands. I would pray for you if I knew about it, and try to help you find a way out.

 

Tripped By My Dog

I tripped over my dog again. This time it was in the house as I tried to walk past her in the kitchen. She’s big and strong and exuberant and doesn’t move out of the way easily.

I landed on ceramic tile. Had to throw out the black leggings I was wearing because I fell so hard it made a hole in the knee.

I still can’t fully piece together the details on what led to me falling outside yesterday, it happened so fast. All I know is it involved my dog and I remember the back of my head hitting hard ground by the bottom of the stairs.

I still found pieces of dead grass in my hair a few hours later.

And my head still hurts.

Plus I also have a migraine type headache, one of the things that never responded to various prescriptions for migraine on which I’ve been tried. These happen every few weeks and last for 5 days. Even morphine at the hospital has failed to stop the pain.

The dog is a ten month old Aussie/Blue Heeler/Kelpie I’ve had since she was two months old. I figured she’d be a good companion for walks, runs, and hikes in the surrounding bear country during non-snow months.

I went to a trainer with her, to refresh my memory on things I learned 15 years earlier. I also bought a good book on dog training, recommended by a trusted friend whose dogs are incredibly well behaved. I am working on my dog, but she’s still got a ways to go.

I regret bringing this dog into my family. She’s killing me.

People in dire situations

While I walked to the post office yesterday, a friend called me and we talked for the entire half hour and then some as I stood waiting to go get my mail. She sounded fully stressed out by her living situation. She’s been out of a bad relationship for the past few years, living with family, friends, and strangers, all in different locations and arrangements of rental costs. She’s finally got a good job, but it’s so hard to get herself on her feet in the city where life costs at least double what it does to live out here in the semi-wilderness.

Then there’s another friend who messages me frequently from across the globe. He is living in a land he hates. His beloved wife is living in a whole other country for work. He got hired at a job that he tolerated but it was not his ideal. The company went out of business after less than a month, and they aren’t going to pay him for the weeks of work he put in. He has no way to pay the rent on his place, and his wife doesn’t make enough money in the other country to cover both of their living expenses in separate households.

I don’t have the money to help them out of their messes or I would do so in a beat of my breaking heart. I have no way to help them but to pray for them and be a listening ear.

If anyone reads this, can you please pray for these people you may not know? God knows. I feel my hands are tied and I so want things to get better for everyone. I know I myself have been through stuff and wonder if anyone had been holding me up in prayer to get me through it and on to a safer place in this world.

Sorry for so much blogging

For those who get notifications when I put up a new blog post, I apologize for the recent abundance of them. I myself don’t know why I have been posting so much. At least in part I think it is because I am not feeling well. Fibromyalgia drags me down worse on some days, and then on other days I almost don’t know there’s anything amiss with my health.

It is easier to sit and write on my book project and in my blog than to do the myriad other things I need to do.

Annnnd seeing the above thoughts, I am convicted of my laziness, so I will leave the written word alone for now and go tackle the endlessly growing to-do list despite my pain and stiffness. Slow progress is better than no progress.