Elijah wanted to die

So, it’s not just us in this day and age. Deep sadness goes way back.

1kings19-4

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Today’s Twisted Gratitudes

Today I am grateful for:

1.  The dryer in my laundry room, which not only dries our laundry, but today it performed the job of masking the sobs that wrenched from my beaten down heart so the rest of my family didn’t have to hear me cry.
2.  Long sleeves on my shirts to wipe my tears.
3.  Supportive friends in the groups for highly sensitive people where I find a bit of solace.
4.  This blog, where I can let a little bit of my pain bleed out.
5.  My faith that heaven is my final destination.

Come, Lord Jesus.  Quickly.  Please.

Today I’m grateful for… um… hmm… uh….

Today I’m grateful for… wait… just a sec… I’ll think of something…. man, this isn’t always easy.

1.  I do have a roof over my head.
2.  The snow is starting to melt here in my beautiful part of British Columbia.
3.  Black snow on the side of the highway, in all its ugly glory, means spring is on the way.
4.  My long camouflage skirt from the thrift store.
5.  I have edible food in my kitchen.

I really do have a lot more than my tired eyes are willing to see.  Thank You, Lord, for making a way.

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A couple hours from home, January 11, 2011. Our roads are melted a lot more now.

Farther Along

Video

Listening to this song, I think of my friend who has also been my family doctor for many years. He is the most compassionate and wise person I have ever met.

He was my friend before he was my doctor.

He is still my friend before my doctor.

When I was in the process of leaving the ex, my friend was there for me when everyone else in the church fellowship turned against me.  Even my friend’s wife, who I had thought was my friend, turned on me.

He prayed for me.  He heard my cries.  He wished me happiness.  He told me he loved me.  Oh, not in an inappropriate way – just the love of a brother in Christ, as it ought to be.

As he stitched up my face a few months ago, my doctor friend asked me if I’d like to study the book of Job with him sometime. We never did get around to it, both of us having such busy lives, but maybe we will someday.

If you ever read this, my dear friend and brother in Christ, this song is for you, because I know you like it.

Farther Along

Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all, by and by

Faithful ’til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweep through the beautiful gates

Remembering a happier me

Video

For several weeks, due to various circumstances, I had been in a deep, dark depression, which started to lift a few days ago.

I am not sure what caused it to lift.

It could have been because of the prayers of friends.

It could have been because of the remedy given to me by my homeopath on January 18 starting to work.

It could be the various supplements from my naturopath, which I started on January 11, to get me on the road to healing from adrenal burnout, kicking in.

It could have been because of answers to unspoken questions in my tormented heart finally being answered from within the confines of silence.

It could be a combination of all of the above, or it could be something I haven’t even guessed.

Up until a few days ago, I didn’t care if I lived.

Now, however, I feel like I want to get better.

I am not sure how far this seed of hope will grow, but for now, I am grateful it is growing.

This video is from May or June of 2011.  I hope I can someday be that happy on a regular basis.

Tears of love from my 8-year-old son

My dear, precious, eight-year-old son has such a sensitive heart.  Tonight, as I was tucking him into bed, he had tears in his eyes as he said he was worried about the end of the world.

I told him that the Bible says nobody knows the day nor the hour when Jesus is coming back, but that He will be coming back.

I comforted him by reminding him that if Jesus came back even right now, we’d all suddenly be together in heaven – Daddy wouldn’t be at work but he’d be right there in heaven with us, and all his siblings would be there too… except, I’m not sure about my oldest daughter, and we pray for her in that regard.

I told him that all the people who help out at the kids program he goes to in the summertime at the local church would be there, and I named some of them that I know.

He seemed relieved, but then he squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, “What about Gramma?”

I said, “Yes, Gramma will be there. Gramma loves the Lord.”

He asked, “What about Grampa?”

I said, “I don’t know. I’ve not talked to him in a long time. He has his personal problems and doesn’t want to talk to me, but last I knew, he didn’t love the Lord.”

And then my little boy’s tears fell so painfully down his cheeks as he thought about my dad not being in heaven.

I said, “We can pray for him right now.”

I held his hand and we prayed for my dad’s salvation.

When we were done praying, he tried to be strong and said, “OK, I need to stop thinking about this. Let’s talk about something else.”

My dear, tender-hearted little boy has so much love in him and a double-dose of HSP (highly sensitive person), with both parents being that way.

I pray that he will always trust the Lord as innocently as he does now.

Falling in hate

Falling in hate,
like falling in love,
is next to impossible to stop.

On the slippery slope of hatred,
there is little else to do but fall further down,
until you reach the dark and miry bottom,
where you can pray
that the dim light of apathy
will set in,
as you turn your back
and walk away
through the door
you hadn’t seen before.