Broken

Maybe a good night’s sleep will help.

(Good night’s sleep happens, over and over, and still it hasn’t helped.)

* * * * *

Maybe things will get better with time.

(Time keeps ticking on and nothing’s looking any better.)

* * * * *

Maybe once I finish this task, or that other one, or that other other one, I’ll feel a load lifted off my shoulders.

(Those completed tasks depleted so much from me, I don’t have the wherewithal to rejoice.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I do something fun, I will reset myself and renew my outlook.

(Fun things don’t feel as fun as they used to. In order to do something fun, the fun has to be felt or it’s not technically a case of “having fun”.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I talk to some friends, I’ll feel better.

(Talking to a friend and talking with a friend aren’t the same thing. I don’t feel heard. I feel worse.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I get away alone for a few hours, I will return with a better outlook.

(I come back and I’m still here.)

* * * * *

Maybe if I keep talking to God about my pain, I will find peace.

(I am only reminded of how much I want to be out of this world and into His face-to-face presence.)

* * * * *

Maybe I need more water, more fresh greens, more sunshine. Maybe I need to run more.

Maybe I need less caffeine, less carbs, less rain.

Maybe I need less words.

Nothing’s working.

Maybe I need medication.

I’m sorry.

I don’t have the answers.

Advertisements

Matthew Henry Rocks!

Photo that has nothing to do with the post: One of my cats chilling in a mess.

In case you aren’t familiar with Matthew Henry, he was a noncomformist Christian who wrote a Bible commentary of great detail and depth but which is easy to read, at least for me. The flow is good and he doesn’t bog me down with words I don’t know, even though he was born in 1662.

“Noncomformist” is a bonus word that I like in general, though its meaning is broad. I shy away from writers who have a specific affiliation with one denomination or another.

Here is a sample of Matthew Henry’s commentary, this one being on Hebrews 12:1-11, the first two verses of which say: “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

12:1-11 The persevering obedience of faith in Christ, was the race set before the Hebrews, wherein they must either win the crown of glory, or have everlasting misery for their portion; and it is set before us. By the sin that does so easily beset us, understand that sin to which we are most prone, or to which we are most exposed, from habit, age, or circumstances. This is a most important exhortation; for while a man’s darling sin, be it what it will, remains unsubdued, it will hinder him from running the Christian race, as it takes from him every motive for running, and gives power to every discouragement. When weary and faint in their minds, let them recollect that the holy Jesus suffered, to save them from eternal misery. By stedfastly looking to Jesus, their thoughts would strengthen holy affections, and keep under their carnal desires. Let us then frequently consider him. What are our little trials to his agonies, or even to our deserts? What are they to the sufferings of many others? There is a proneness in believers to grow weary, and to faint under trials and afflictions; this is from the imperfection of grace and the remains of corruption. Christians should not faint under their trials. Though their enemies and persecutors may be instruments to inflict sufferings, yet they are Divine chastisements; their heavenly Father has his hand in all, and his wise end to answer by all. They must not make light of afflictions, and be without feeling under them, for they are the hand and rod of God, and are his rebukes for sin. They must not despond and sink under trials, nor fret and repine, but bear up with faith and patience. God may let others alone in their sins, but he will correct sin in his own children. In this he acts as becomes a father. Our earthly parents sometimes may chasten us, to gratify their passion, rather than to reform our manners. But the Father of our souls never willingly grieves nor afflicts his children. It is always for our profit. Our whole life here is a state of childhood, and imperfect as to spiritual things; therefore we must submit to the discipline of such a state. When we come to a perfect state, we shall be fully reconciled to all God’s chastisement of us now. God’s correction is not condemnation; the chastening may be borne with patience, and greatly promote holiness. Let us then learn to consider the afflictions brought on us by the malice of men, as corrections sent by our wise and gracious Father, for our spiritual good.

In case you’d like to read more of Matthew Henry’s commentary, one place I highly recommend to find it is on Bible Hub, a free site for some helpful Bible study tools. In a search engine, type in whatever passage of Scripture you are wanting, add the words “Bible Hub” to it, and “commentary”, and you’ll find the pertinent sections from his studies there.

Alternatively, you could buy the books, but I’ve become fond of internet tools myself, and my bookshelves all but bleedeth from the weight of many bound pages of thought, so I have to curb my purchases in that regard.

Of course, Mr. Henry is not God, and his writing is not Scripture. His words are merely assists in helping me understand the Bible from the vantage point of one man who has studied it. No man, nor any organization of humans, has all the answers, but I do believe the Word of God to have all I need to know for where I need to go.

As 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says:

16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

17 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

Maranatha!

 

 

Confusion

Typical photo that has nothing to do with my post. Cows half an hour from home.

Do you ever feel like you need something but you don’t know what it is?

Do you ever feel like you need to tell someone something but you can’t put it into words nor figure out who you need to tell or why?

“Excuse me,” said the grocery store clerk. “Are you fine here, or would you like to go down to Express?”

I looked up from typing those first two paragraphs on my phone, which I thought I had time to continue because of the long line to get to a till.

“Oh! Yes, sure, I will go down there. Thanks.”

I smiled at the lady whom I was addressing and walked down to one of the checkstands that had become opened since my mind had been buried in writing on my phone.

As I put my 15 items (or less) onto the belt, the cashier asked if I’d found everything I needed. My immediate thought was this blog post’s words.

What DID I need?

I unfolded my grocery list, glanced to see if any items had not been crossed out or circled (I circle that which I cannot find, that which is too expensive this week and not really urgent, and that which has become an item I’ve decided isn’t necessary today, to add to my next list.)

“Yes. I did,” I said.

But I still don’t know what I am lacking outside the grocery list.

Something’s amiss.

I am going to venture a guess that this feeling is to do with not belonging in this world.

In large, loud, all-caps letters within my brain, each word enunciated and with a dramatic pause before the next one is heard, the sentence shouts out:

THIS

WORLD

IS

NOT

MY HOME.

(Now, I highlighted the words of this draft while I sit in my truck, hit “select all”, hit “copy”, and, with my words saved to clipboard, I go to the settings to choose my categories and tags. Redo the save to clipboard process, and THEN hit “publish now”.)

Maranatha.

Of A Letter To You

Wild roses by my yard gates

Fellow WordPress blogger, Beaton, at Becoming The Muse, wrote a wonderful post.

Word for word, I could have written it myself. I thank him for saving me the time.

This part especially is from me, too:

“There are some of you who read quietly and steadily, never drawing attention to yourself. You are as silent as a midnight mouse. I never know you have been here. Still, I thank you for your creepy presence, lurking in the bushes, reading every word I write. I do hope you would cough once in awhile so I know you are there. I won’t make a big deal of it. I will just casually nod in your direction and carry on as we were, even as I try to hide the proud smile from my face.”

Here’s the rest of his post:

https://wp.me/p3NqTj-30g

Sharp pain in right temple

All day, off and on, a sharp pain has stabbed my right temple. It lasts only a second at a time and happens sporadically, several times an hour.

I am so stressed and grieved, the instigating last straw being the loss of my writing in a WordPress draft last night, that I do not feel like myself. It is not like my usual state of depression when things overwhelm me. It is deeply physical this time, very much like grief over loss of a loved one.

I wanted to say this in case I die tonight and the reason is otherwise unknown. A friend or family member might see this and know I had a strange pain in my head, not like the usual pain attacks I get every few weeks.

I took an Aspirin pill within the past hour. I haven’t tried Aspirin in years.

If I die and am therefore unable to say further words directly, I leave this here: please, my family and friends, please, I beg you, read the Bible and seek to know the truth. Please accept Jesus and thereby embark on the same eternal destiny as me. I want to see you there. I love you and do not want you to perish.

Just a flower I saw yesterday

I need help getting my post back

I was on a roll and wrote a bunch of stuff with which I was very happy. I had my categories and my tag words all put in. I had a photo inserted at the top of the blog entry, and a Featured Image in place. I went to put one last photo in at the end of the story. I hit the button on my phone to go put in a caption, and when I was done, I went back to the page to see how it all looked. I was horrified to see that it had all disappeared, and all that showed up was the words I had typed for the caption. The photos were gone. All my writing was gone.

I couldn’t find a “back” or “undo” button on my phone, so I hurried to my laptop to try to fix it from there. I looked online for answers and found some pages telling me about the previous versions one can access to restore. I found that on my blog post, but the only previous versions went as far back as where I lost everything. I mean, the only previous version was from a few minutes prior, when that one-liner that was supposed to be a photo caption was all that showed up.

Is there any way to get my writing back? Did I write too fast and so there were no auto-saves or anything? I know some Google products do auto-saves, although WordPress isn’t a Google product, is it? Maybe my writing exists somewhere?

The blog I need help with is holysheepdip.wordpress.com.

(I posted this on the WordPress Support Forum, the original located here at this link.)

I didn’t see anywhere in the forum for me to include a screenshot, so I will include it here:

In that screenshot, do you see the line at the bottom of the list, where it has a plus sign inside a blue circle and then the number 15 beside it? Does that mean anything? I click on the plus sign and the number but nothing happens.

Help! I overwrote and lost a post!

Is there a way to get back the words that  I accidentally lost? I was writing for at least half an hour on my phone in a new WordPress post. I went to add a photo to the end of it, and I thought I was writing a caption, but instead it somehow erased the entire post and all I have is the photo’s caption. Even the photo is gone. HELP!?

It was writing I loved. It was important to me. I was happy with how it flowed. And now it’s gone. Is there a way to find it in editing history or anything? Somehow???

No, I Don’t “Got This”

No amount of motivational posters are going to convince me that “I’ve got this”, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, “nobody can take away my power unless I let them”, or any other platitude can remove reality from staring me in the face.

“If you need to talk, just reach out. I’m here for ya.”

Actually, no. You’re not. Nobody is. It is all nice in theory, but when it comes down to it, the only one here for me is me.

And that is depressing, because I am too broken to help myself.

There’s always that one thing that does kill ya. So far, none of the other attempts have strengthened me. Here I am still crying out to no person.

I do know God hears me, and my only hope is in joining Him in that better place. Meanwhile, I push on and wait, hiding within my tent of flesh and bone, choking on tears for breakfast.

I do not have strength. God is my strength. I cling to Him.

I feel no motivation. I can only eke out: “Thank you, God, for sending Jesus to unite me to You. Without You, I am only dust. I await seeing Your face.”

Psalm 42, Amplified Version:

As the deer pants [longingly] for the water brooks,
So my [a]soul pants [longingly] for You, O God.

My soul (my life, my inner self) thirsts for God, for the living God.
When will I come and see the face of God?

My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

These things I [vividly] remember as I pour out my soul;
How I used to go along before the great crowd of people and lead them in procession to the house of God [like a choirmaster before his singers, timing the steps to the music and the chant of the song],
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a great crowd keeping a festival.


Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become restlessand disturbed within me?
Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.

O my God, my soul is in despair within me [the burden more than I can bear];
Therefore I will [fervently] remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of [Mount] Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep at the [thundering] sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.

Yet the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song will be with me,
A prayer to the God of my life.


I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 
As a crushing of my bones [with a sword], my adversaries taunt me,
While they say continually to me, “Where is your God?”
11 
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
Why have you become restless anddisquieted within me?
Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him,
The [b]help of my countenance and my God.

Footnotes:

  1. Psalm 42:1 The Hebrew word translated “soul” in this psalm and elsewhere in the book of Psalms is nephesh. This word usually refers to a person’s “life” or “self,” but can also mean “throat,” as perhaps in vv 1, 2.

  2. Psalm 42:11 Or saving acts of.